The last time I posted this pandemic still felt like a reprieve – a much needed break from overscheduled days and the beginning of a reflective summer. Now, as the days begin to shorten, a restlessness is settling in – a slow moving fog making it just that much harder to navigate each day. Patience is beginning to run thin and the world is desperately seeking a structure that would normally come with fall. Even though each new year technically begins in January – I think all of us, in some way, still look to fall as a turning point. Time to shed our light-hearted summer and prepare for winter. Time to create the routines that will carry us through until the days lengthen again in the following year.

But – this fall is different. We still don’t have a sense of normal to build a routine around. The light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a single utility bulb hanging from the ceiling – and the entrance caved in behind us – so the only thing we can do is continue forward. Into the darkness. Away from the light. Panic. Stress. Mental Exhaustion. Confusion. In a word; UNCERTAINTY. That is what we are all trying to navigate right now – and it is draining. It’s a mirror maze with no actual exit. I remember the last time I lived in uncertainty.

I didn’t keep much from my few short years with Batman. I’ve deleted all the texts and pictures. All the e-mails and chats are gone. My FB messenger feed is still there though. It is hard to read. Looking back, I can see my responses, but I don’t recognize much of myself in them. That person was not me. She became me. She built me. Thank god she was strong enough to see beyond the cage.  

Her biggest fault? She was trying to control the drama that comes from uncertainty. Just like I’m watching the world try to do now. Everyone seems to think that if they can just get “the truth” out there others will see the light and we can all go back to our regular lives. This dark tunnel we are all navigating will simply crumble like the walls of Jericho. And so, as people continue to flood media sources with the message they want to believe, we are all subjected to an endless parade of ambiguity. Masks or No Masks? Responsible Citizen or Uneducated Swine? Red Neck or Snowflake? Patriot or Sheeple?

Allow me to get you a red pill. There is no absolute truth. Like most things in life, the knowledge we have around any one topic is incomplete. It will always be incomplete because time doesn’t stop, and knowledge evolves. Give me a math problem that adds up to 4. Most people would say 2+2=4. But – that doesn’t make -6+10 or thousands of other combinations wrong. As the information and understanding we have around a topic increases, we have an obligation to consider new truth(s). Not just the truth we want to believe. Or the truth that used to be. We must adjust to the now. And in a day, week, or year we may have to adjust again.

Welcome to human growth. It’s messy and uncomfortable.

Accepting Truth

Learning to accept truth was the hardest part about my relationship with Batman. I didn’t want to admit what it was. I wanted to believe in only the beautiful glimpses of what it could be. I wanted to believe what he told me and not what he did. Eventually, it becomes impossible to ignore the reality.

The truth was, I was a co-dependent and Batman was something between a narcissist and a psychopath – and I don’t mean that in the nonchalant stories of Karen vs. the Barista where Karen goes psychopath on Barb the Manager.

I mean getting an uneasy feeling when watching true crime stories because it was too simple to pinpoint the personality similarities between my husband and the murderer. I mean getting a sudden gut check while lying about his character to an elite police team so that he could get a job that I thought might finally make him happier. I mean reading article after article on psychology sites that describe the man you share a bed with as volatile, manipulative, and insatiable in terms of need. I was looking for evidence that change was possible and then I came across this term: Vulnerable Narcissist.

Unlike grandiose narcissism, which is the type most often portrayed in the media – vulnerable narcissism is more difficult to spot. It is also more common among younger generations (Millennials and younger) and that is scary. Here are a few key traits:

1. Introspective self-absorbedness + Introverted Personality.
2. High neuroticism (anxious, panicky, depressive, hostile, self-conscious, vulnerable).
3. Alternating feelings of excessive pride and deep shame. Hypersensitive to even gentle feedback or constructive criticism.
4. Thrive on attention and accolade. If actions aren’t praised as expected, conversation will be manipulated to get them acknowledged.
5. Blaming others for mistakes. Taking blame only when cornered or to get a desired outcome.
6. Take but rarely give. Give only when it could benefit in the long run.

Recognizing the truth in Batman was one thing. Accepting it was another. I didn’t think I needed to accept it. This was a mental illness, not a death sentence. I just needed to be more supportive to help him get where he said he wanted to go. In reality, my supreme belief in myself and my ability to “help” made me a codependent to his mental illness. I was an enabler and I was slowly losing myself because I continued to ignore the truth of our relationship which was both toxic and abusive. Once I came to terms with those truths internally, I began to build boundaries for myself to stop the codependent habits.

I wasn’t great at it – I gave in many times. Sometimes to anger; other times to sympathy; and towards the end, often to apathy.  Even today, when I read through sections of the messenger feed, I can feel the tension build in the pit of my stomach. It’s an uncomfortable chapter of my life that I know negatively impacted many others besides myself.

It’s funny actually – I know in my head that I suffered the worst of this relationship personally, but what actually hurts the most isn’t what I endured. It’s what I know my family and friends experienced watching me lose myself from afar and not having any way to intervene.

The most terrifying part of writing this post is the dread I have in confirming their worst suspicions or dragging them back through painful memories.

But I can no longer change the truth of what it was, and if I’m authentic in my goal of sharing – with the intention of shining a light on the very things many experience but few discuss – then I have to trust that they came through strong too.

As for Batman – I hope he has found peace. I would like to think that he can look back and agree that our relationship was damaging to both of us. The more I talk with other women (and some men), the more I learn that my experiences were not unique – varying levels of toxicity exist in far too many GenX and younger relationships. If we, as a society, want to prevent unhealthy and abusive relationships we must face them head on. We cannot learn if we hide from or sugarcoat the lessons. More importantly, we cannot heal what we don’t acknowledge.

Uncertainty

October 2017 marked 3 years of being with Batman. We had been married for just over 2 of them and I knew we should not be together – but I didn’t want to give up, and I didn’t want to fail. I was hoping for a miracle. I also knew my inner light was dimming, so in May of 2017 I began establishing my own personal boundaries. I started assistant coaching at a local high school, and I joined a gym of my choosing instead of going with Batman.

These actions threatened him and he upped the ante in the uncertainty department. My days were overwhelmed with drama to the point that looking back through that messenger feed I can hardly distinguish one specific incident from another. Not that it really mattered –the chaos always followed a similar pattern – a never ending merry-go-round.

This inability to distinguish chaos from normal is probably the saddest reality of abusive situations. When distress becomes your everyday you slowly begin to normalize it. You wake up only when something even harsher happens.

Thankfully, coaching and the gym gave me brief glimpses of peace that helped me wake up more often. New connections to community allowed me to stay awake long enough to peel away the ‘normal’ and call it by its real name. Abuse.

Winter is Coming

Monday, October 16^th 2017

I’m at work. I have FB messenger up in the corner of my screen because that is how Batman communicates during the day since I told him I can’t constantly respond to his text messages. Not that it matters – he messages all day long anyway – constantly interrupting my workflow. I became excellent at multi-tasking.

• Batman 7:18 am:
  • So – all because I chose not to talk to you this morning? You made a choice to ignore me Sunday. Then decided to not wake up this morning for the gym. But, then made no effort to talk to me at all? Wow – I told you I would be dealing with a lot of shit trying to quit using mints. You told me you could handle it. Guess you can’t. Anywho – know you met someone else. I would just prefer honesty.

I must see the message on FB. But I’m likely pissed about the insinuation that I would be cheating. He knew what happened with Lt. and he knew that infidelity was a trigger for me. What he wanted was my immediate response and denial.

I wanted nothing to do with it. There is no obligation to attend every argument you are invited to and I was past the point of caring what he thought about me. The only peace I wanted to make at this point was my own. So, it seems I ignored the click bait argument.

• Batman 9:41 am:
  • I am sorry for my assumption.
• Batman 9:43 am:
  • If you told me that you have no interest in anyone else and no one else has an interest in you – then I will trust that.

Okay, he acknowledged that he was wrong for making assumptions and coming at me with accusations. Since I was still hoping for a miracle I would generally engage when he was being civil.

• turnBOLD 9:45 am:
  • I don’t have an interest in anyone else and likewise. Not wanting this doesn’t mean I want something else. It means I don’t want this. It means I’d rather have nothing.
  • *Attached this Article*: “Do Abusive Men Change”

Good for past me. I had started to acknowledge the truth of our relationship out loud. This was an abusive relationship – it was wrong. He needed to own his piece of it and change or we needed to end it – and boy did I want to end it.

• Batman 9:46 am:
  • I can’t open the link – but I am assuming you sent me an article that reinforces your position to end the marriage.
• turnBOLD 9:55 am:
  • it isn’t an article – it is a list
  • and every one I read has the same things on it.
  • A list of actions required if someone is really interested in change.
• Batman 9:56 am:
  • I honestly don’t know how to defend myself against what you believe or feel. I honestly want to be happy and find a secure connection with you. I know you will never believe me – but, I am trying. And, so long as I know that I am trying, that is all that matters. In the end, you won’t be there for me – only I will be there for me. And, I am happy that I have made the decision to develop new coping skills – not just dependence on a substance. It is going to be difficult. But I believe I can quit the nicotine dependence and learn to express myself in a more acceptable manner. Sunday was a rough day for me. My body feels like it is going out of wack – it feels like I have the flu. You are right – I do look for other people to blame. I know I did this to myself. I chose to use chew and mints as a coping mechanism and that was because of things I believed. (My Name), I know I am at rock bottom. I know I don’t want to live like this. You are right – it has been 3 years. But, in those 3 years, I have been confused on many things. If you want out – then make it final. I came to your office simply to show you that I wanted to place love first. I didn’t raise my voice and I didn’t get upset. I just feel bad. You made assumptions for the whole week without even talking to me. But, I cannot continue to defend myself against you or provide validation that I want change. Everything that is wrong with me is the result of my choices and my beliefs. I wish I could explain it to you. And I know it was not fair to you over the years. But, you are right. I am simply just wasting your time. And I don’t want to do that anymore. You deserve love. And though I love you – I don’t do a good enough job showing you that.
• Batman 10:02 am:
  • If you are done. Then be done. I know last night I said dumb shit – and it was because I was hurt and anxious. I had deprived myself of mints for the whole day. I was proud of that but the stress and trying to cope was overwhelming. I am sorry I verbally lashed out at you. I don’t know why my body is having such a hard time this time around. But, I can’t be half-in/half-out either. I need solidarity in my life. Just like you. I am not going to get it right the whole time all the time. But, I at least recognize when I am wrong – regardless of what you think. I just need support – emotionally. This is truly one of the worst things I have felt in my life.

There he goes. Saying ALL the right shit. Using that extensive psychology degree to fuck with my head – and probably his own. In the past, this is where I would normally step back and console him. Tell him it is okay. Tell him we will get through. We can overcome these (not his) issues and we can fix our relationship together.

As a general rule, I tended to tiptoe around our actual reality when talking to Batman. I didn’t want to trigger him more. So, I pleasantly shock myself when I see my bluntness in the correspondence on this day. I like to think now that even through I had burned my life to ash – the wind was picking up just enough to bring the handful of remaining embers back to life.

• turnBOLD 10:09 am:
  • I can handle your emotions and I can handle you being upset and cranky – I can’t handle the verbal abuse that comes with it.
• Batman 10:10 am:
  • But – when I left your office. You did say you were busy and that you didn’t want this anymore and I was wasting your time by showing up. So – I won’t continue to do that. Your final answer was to end the marriage and I have to accept that. I am sorry that is how you feel – but I understand.

This is desperate Batman throwing out one last lifeline hoping I will still back down – but the wind stays steady and the embers are heating up.  

• turnBOLD 10:10 am:
  • I’m not going to listen to words like cunt, and whore anymore. They are unbelievably damaging and wrong and repeating them makes it seem like it is okay. You say things that make me feel like an object multiple times each day.
  • I am not a thing. When I break you can’t just buy a new one.

Mic Drop. I said it. I don’t know what gave me the courage to finally repeat his own words back to him, but I am proud of that girl.

• Batman 10:12 am:
  • And what about me? You tell me I am wasting your time. You don’t think that has any impact on me? Or is this just about your feelings and mine have no merit
  • Even at your office – you said it was a waste of time.
  • You chose to end the marriage. Now you just want to guilt me for everything I did wrong? I told you that I was wrong already. If you feel the need to punish me – fine.
• turnBOLD 10:17 am
  • I tell you this because I have to go and you don’t let me.
  • I tell you not to come because I’m busy and you do it anyway. I tell you I get to the school and have to go and you don’t let me hang up.
• Batman 10:17 am
  • Right – as you tell me. Don’t say things you don’t mean.
• turnBOLD 10:18 am
  • it is a lack of respect for everything that I do and it is wasting my time when you don’t acknowledge that.
• Batman 10:18 am
  • Ok – then I won’t waste anymore of it.
• Batman 10:20 am
  • But, know – right now, you are defending your actions and validating them… but failing to see that you are doing the same as me.
• Batman 10:24 am
  • Last thing you said was: I was wasting your time. You want this (us) to end. And then made the assumptions about me (but, you lose your shit when I make assumptions about you). So – you can have everything you want. Todd responded in the group message. So when he is out of the sales meeting, I will let him know we are walking out of the contract. And, I am still waiting on my lawyer to call me back for an appointment. As you tell me – don’t say something unless you are going to follow through with it, so I am making sure my side is squared away. And since I never know what you want – I am just going off the last thing you told me to my face.
• turnBOLD 10:25 am
  • that is fine
• Batman 10:26 am
  • What is fine?
• Batman 10:28 am
  • Those are your final answers?
  • And final wishes?
• turnBOLD 10:29 am
  • (His Name) – I don’t know – you are making me confused.

No. No. No. Girl – you were doing so good. Please don’t back down now. I know you are tired of fighting. I know you want things to just miraculously get better – but you have to be consistent.

• Batman 10:29 am
  • You are confused? How so? This is all your decision.
• turnBOLD 10:30 am
  • read through the changes list whenever you can and let me know if you are actually committed to it. Because I’m done making excuses for it. I don’t care about your psychology bullshit. Say what you want about me projecting or whatever. I’m recognizing that this is unhealthy and will probably never be fixed.
  • And this is due to a combination of you and me.
  • You would have to heal yourself and I would have to do the same.

Okay. Boundaries. I can get on board with this. I wish I could tell this girl in hindsight that trying won’t work, but I can respect that she wanted to at least make an attempt with some healthier boundaries in place.

• Batman 10:30 am
  • You don’t care about my psychology bullshit.
  • Ok – got it.
• turnBOLD 10:31 am
  • about projecting or treating you the way you treat me…. I’m not trying to do anything terrible. I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to heal us both.
• Batman 10:32 am
  • I read the list on my phone. I am trying that right now. But – I am not going to explain anything more to you. You seem pretty content in your decision about me and us.
  • You don’t need to heal me (my name). Worry about yourself.
• turnBOLD 10:33 am
  • I’m also trying to look forward – this is about more than us anyhow. I thought about it and I wouldn’t want to do Christmas with my family or yours.
  • Yours doesn’t want me there and mine would be depressing.
• Batman 10:34 am
  • You don’t want Christmas with my family or yours?
  • Who do you want Christmas with?
• turnBOLD 10:34 am
  • no.
  • by myself I guess or on a vacation somewhere.
  • But I can’t afford it.
  • I want to go away.
• Batman 10:35 am
  • Okay – well I have made plans to visit my family already.
  • And I only see them 1 time a year. You can go wherever you like.
  • I made a commitment to my family and I won’t break that.
• turnBOLD 10:40 am
  • that is fine
• Batman 10:40 am
  • The thing about my family is – they would accept you if WE were not always fighting. The main reason they don’t want you there is because they don’t see the point in having someone over that one day wants to be married and the next day wants a divorce. My mom said the reason she is not fond of you – because you have no ability to stick through the rough patches in a marriage and that you came to her looking for something outside of the dynamics between you and me. The answer is between US. And my mom/sister both feel that you don’t have the ability to be there during the bad times. My sister and (her husband) have been through hell and wars. The first 3 years of their marriage (not dating) was a shit show. But they figured it out. It may not be perfect or ideal. But it works for them. But they only resorted to divorce talk 1 time and that was it. For us, it is a weekly thing. And I am done with it. When I was talking to my mom last night – she said the only way she would visit or allow both to visit her is if things changed. She wants us to be there for each other.

I only remember calling his mother once, and while I thought it was around Christmas time, it could have been earlier that year. I think that there was an argument of some sort around him going home for a short vacation that I was maybe supposed to go on? I don’t know for sure.  What I do know is that at some point during this argument he put his hands on my neck. This was a first. One of the woke moments. I screamed – loudly. He stopped.

Then he said something about going home now instead of when he was supposed to leave. He packed a bag and grabbed his dogs. Said he was going to start the 15 hour drive and then he got in the car and left.

He wasn’t answering my calls. So I remember eventually calling his mom to let her know we had fought, and he was heading her way now and I just wanted her to know so she could check on him since he had been up all day and probably shouldn’t be driving. Then I snapped. I broke down and started crying. I told her that he put his hands on me. It was the first and only time I told anyone about the abuse. She apologized and said she didn’t raise him like that. I eventually calmed down and we hung up. 15 minutes later Batman walked back in the door.

Sike. I should have known by that point that his threats were not real. They were bargaining chips.  

1 Hour In.

Are you tired yet? Are you stressed? Is this uncomfortable? I’m proud of you for wading through this nightmare with me. You are almost to the end of this particular Monday morning drama session – and if reading this has woken you up – keep going. Wake up and stay awake. You can do it. It is undeniably hard – but there is sublime peace on the other side.

• turnBOLD 10:41 am
  • I did not ask you to – nor do I expect you to so I don’t understand why you are telling me anything.
• Batman 10:41 am
  • What does that mean?
• turnBOLD 10:41 am
  • I don’t want to be your sister and her husband
• Batman 10:41 am
  • Neither do i
• turnBOLD 10:42 am
  • what we have isn’t healthy maybe you can’t see that. and these aren’t “rough patches”
  • I can make it through far more than your family gives me credit for – but the point is I shouldn’t have to.
  • Let them think I am weak and all of the other negative things. I only called your mother because I was scared for you when you left in the middle of the night.
  • But I will not make that mistake again.
• Batman 10:43 am
  • If it is over. That is fine. I am not asking you to stay or asking that we work on our marriage. These are all your choices to make.
• turnBOLD 10:44 am
  • these “arguments” have nothing to do with not being there during hard times – they have to do with creating hard times out of nothing. With disrespect and mistrust and all the other things. I’m done dealing with them and going forward I would never be able to reconcile those things – so yes, this is the right decision.
• Batman 10:44 am
  • But I am not going back and forth. I made plans for xmas with my family. That is all. If you wanted to come – then I would just tell her you are coming and she could see that things are different.
• turnBOLD 10:44 am
  • no, I don’t. nothing is different.
• Batman 10:44 am
  • Okay (my name). Then if divorce is the final answer.
  • Just say it.
• turnBOLD 10:46 am
  • I think it is. I’m astonished with what you just told me. I don’t know what you tell them – but that is beyond what I can handle.
  • Maybe tell them about all the forced sex, breaking doors, throwing shit, instead of just how I “ignore you” when I’m mad. Hard times have to do with money, and sickness, and business. Not violence.
• Batman 10:47 am
  • You are misreading it or I am not presenting it properly. What my mom and sister want – is for us to figure it out and come out of this shit stronger. Together.

I’m not misreading anything. You must have your signals crossed Batman. The vast majority of the abuse in my relationship was not physical or sexual. It was emotional. But just like many other abusive relationships all three rear their head at some point. Rarely though, did I ever bring up anything beyond name calling and manipulation – it was just too much to say out loud. So, I am once again shocked to see the acknowledgement in the transcript. As expected, Batman completely ignores the reality I put on the table and instead takes the opportunity to remind me of how other people think I’m failing within a relationship they don’t have to deal with.

Disclaimer: I don’t know for certain if Batman’s family actually thought or said any of the things above. The handful of times I did see them in person they were always welcoming. I find it more likely that he manipulated or fabricated the words in a way that would trigger my desire to be respected and liked by his family. Either way, it was just more drama and uncertainty that I didn’t have the energy to sort through at the time.

• turnBOLD 10:47 am
  • I’m going back to work.
• Batman 10:48 am
  • So divorce is the final answer?
• turnBOLD 10:48 am
  • I don’t care anymore. They can keep their warped view of this relationship.
  • Yes.
• Batman 10:48 am:
  • Okay.
  • Bye.

Batman, at this point, leaves me alone. I feel peace. I can work.

• Batman 11:03 am
  • As you wish.

I had forced him to watch The Princess Bride a while back since it is one of my favorite romance movies. He often repeats this line as a reminder to me that he will abide by my wishes even though it hurts him because he loves me. In reality, he just wants me to respond with something that would comfort him. I don’t.  

• Batman 12:59 am
  • I have not heard back from todd. Have you? Also, I did speak with my lawyer. If you want an uncontested divorce, you will need to get me the information or I will allow him to file based on what he feels is best.
• turnBOLD 1:12 pm
  • I’ve told you what I want and you don’t agree with it.
  • I want to keep the house but split the earned equity since we have been in it.
  • It would probably be between 10-15k depending on what the appraisal comes out to.
  • Then everything that is ours stays ours 401ks, cars, bills, etc…
  • you can take the couch and the tv and all your bedroom furniture and the kitchen table and livingroom side tables.
  • You can take (dog1) and (dog2) but I will watch/keep them if needed for awhile.

Can you tell I’ve thought about this before? We had already talked about these things many times. The house was the big contention point. I thought we should split only the earned equity since I made the down payment and the mortgage payments. He believed he should get half of all the equity. I thought that was unfair and would explain it in as many ways as possible – looking back I realize that he cared very little about the logic and more about getting what he wanted.

• Batman 1:15 pm
  • Just talked to todd. He would need you to call him. They are willing to refund your earnest money but you would need to complete some authorizing to do so. He said a final decision needs to be made by 11 am tomorrow. So – he asked me what was going on – I told him I didn’t know. That the contract language was something we were uncomfortable with. He got permission from his sales manager to just void the contract and refund your earnest money. However, he is not going back and forth. He would like a final answer by 11 am tomorrow.
  • So – its your choice you can reply in the group text and he can get you the forms you need to refund your earnest money
• turnBOLD 1:18 pm
  • okay – I’ll take care of it
• Batman 1:19 pm
  • So – make sure the decision you are making is final. All around.
  • This what YOU want. These will be YOUR choices.
  • And – (dog1) and (dog2) will live with my sister. I will drop them off over Christmas break.
  • Well (dog1) will live with my mom more or less. My sister will take (dog2).

This type of wording came up a lot. Apparently, divorce was always MY choice. MY want. It was a way of making sure that I knew that this failure would fall solely on my shoulders. Tossing in the dog commentary was unnecessary, but, telling me he would be sending them to another state to live was one more way to show me how many lives I would be ruining with MY decision. I was past caring at this point though. I don’t respond.

• Batman 1:24 pm
  • All I want to say is this. I love you (my name)!
• turnBOLD 1:29 pm
  • I’ll sort it out. If I can’t afford the mortgage on my own then I’m out.
• Batman 1:29 pm
  • I don’t understand why you are being so cold to me. You truly want a divorce?
  • Over a bad day that I have acknowledged was my fault. And, even though shit is bad – I have maintained my promise to quit mints.

Yes Batman. I want the divorce. I really work to avoid saying things I don’t mean – as you so aptly reminded me multiple times earlier in this conversation. I would not tell you I want a divorce just for funsies. Those aren’t the games I like to play. Also, how did we get back to the damn mints? How does any sane person read though this conversation and assume that nicotine mints are the problem?

• turnBOLD 1:30 pm
  • I’m done playing victim and hoping for the best. It is time both of us stepped up to do what we need to do. I’m not going to drag other people through our stupid disagreements and I’m not going to get trapped into a mortgage with someone I can’t depend on to always be there. I can’t have arguments over whose toothpaste it is.
• Batman 1:31 pm
  • I want to always be there for you. Honestly, I do.
  • I want us to be a team. But not just a team for toothpaste or a mortgage but this right now. I am truly trying and working on this.

How could I forget that he bought some toothpaste that he told me I couldn’t use. I probably said something bitchy about how I can pay him for the toothpaste and he can pay me rent. This was likely followed by name-calling then silence on my end and so here we were.

round and round we go.

The cycle never ends. At 2:00 that same day is another long message where he dives into self-introspection and claims he can get better. I continue to stand my ground for wanting a divorce. This prompts him to go back into questions about who the other man is. I go back to talking about the mutual need for personal healing. He goes back to the fact that he is trying but I am punishing him for the past still.

Round and round we go.

It would be another four long months before I was awake for good. I had traveled with my cheer team to FL for their National Tournament. Batman refused to watch my dog even though he would be home the whole time with the other two. That was fine. I paid a co-worker to watch her. She was probably safer there anyhow. He refused to talk or text me the entire weekend.

I got home late on Sunday. I opened the door and he looked at me from the hallway and said something along the lines of: “Hope you had fun. I fucked a girl from work.” I felt nothing. Whether it was true or not – I felt nothing. I rolled my eyes and walked to the guest room. I remember sleeping well. I remember getting up and going to work.

Then the pop-up:  

• Batman 10:37 am
  • First and foremost, I want to apologize for what I said last night…

No. Stop. This is one merry-go-round I am getting the fuck off.  

This post was written and rewritten multiple times. The transcript is real and altered only to remove names and some misspellings/redundancies. After getting this post written – I felt no need to hold onto the old FB feed. Deleting it and releasing that final communication was long overdue. It took several additional weeks to decide to make this public – but if the last few months have taught me anything – its that the time to be silent on uncomfortable things has passed.